Sex questions you were shy asking about

What could be more natural than sex? But the British philosopher Alain de Botton* is convinced that in modern society "sex is comparable in complexity to higher mathematics."


Having a powerful natural power, sex creates us a lot of problems. Secretly, we crave to possess those whom we do not know or do not love. Some are willing to go for immoral or degrading experiments for sexual satisfaction. And still not an easy task - finally tell those who are really dear to us about what we really want in bed.


“We secretly suffer, feeling the painful strangeness of sex, which we dream of or are trying to avoid,” says Alain de Botton and answers the most pressing questions on the erotic topic.


Why do people lie about their true desires?


Despite the fact that sex is one of the most intimate activities, it is surrounded by many socially approved ideas. They define what the sexual norm is. In fact, few of us fall under this concept, writes Alain de Botton in his book "How to think more about sex."


Almost all of us suffer from feelings of guilt or neurosis, from phobias and destructive desires, from indifference and disgust. And we are not ready to talk about our sexual life, because we all want to be thought well of us. Lovers instinctively refrain from such confessions, because they are afraid to cause an irresistible disgust in their partners.


Lack of sex in established relationships is associated with the inability to quickly switch from a routine to erotica


But when at this point, in which disgust could reach a maximum, we feel acceptance and approval, we experience a strong erotic feeling. Imagine two languages ​​exploring the intimate kingdom of the mouth - this dark, wet cave where only a dentist looks. The exceptional nature of the union of two people is sealed by an act that would horrify them both if it happened to someone else.


What happens to a couple in the bedroom is far from the imposed rules and regulations. This is an act of mutual agreement between the two secret sexual "I", which finally open up before each other.


Marriage destroys sex?


"The gradual decline in the intensity and frequency of sex in a married couple is an inevitable fact of biology and evidence of our absolute normality," reassures Alain de Botton. “Although the sex therapy industry is trying to prove to us that marriage must be revived by constant flushes of desire.” Lack of sex in established relationships is associated with the inability to quickly switch from a routine to erotica. The qualities that sex requires of us are opposed to petty bookkeeping of everyday life. ”


Sex questions you were shy about asking

Sex requires expansiveness, imagination, play and loss of control, and therefore, by its nature, violates the usual rhythm of self-restraint and regulation. We avoid sex, not because it does not make us happy, but because its pleasures undermine our ability to perform our household chores.


It is difficult to switch from a discussion of the future food processor and encourage the spouse to try on the role of a nurse or to put on jackboots. It may seem to us that it is much easier to ask someone else to do this — someone with whom we will not have to have breakfast for the next thirty years in a row.


Why do we attach such a value to infidelity?


Despite the public condemnation of infidelity, the absence of every desire for sex on the side is irrational and goes against nature. It is a denial of power that dominates our rational ego and affects our “erotic triggers”: “high heels and rustling skirts, smooth hips and muscular ankles” ...


We experience anger when faced with the fact: none of us can be everything for another person. But this truth is denied by the ideal of modern marriage, with its ambitions and the belief that all our needs can be satisfied only by one person.


We could not exist if we did not internally change ourselves, feeling like a divorce because of a domestic dispute.


“We are looking for the embodiment of our dream of love and sex in marriage and are disappointed. But it’s also naive to think that cheating can be an effective antidote to this disappointment. It is impossible to sleep with someone else and at the same time do not harm what exists within the family, ”Alain de Botton is sure.


When someone with whom we are not averse to flirting online, invites us to meet at the hotel, we are faced with the temptation. For the sake of a few hours of pleasure, we are almost ready to stake a married life.


Advocates of a marriage of love believe that emotions are the most important thing. But at the same time they close their eyes to the litter that floats on the surface of our emotional kaleidoscope. They ignore all these contradictory, sentimental and hormonal forces that are trying to pull us apart in hundreds of different directions.


We could not exist if we did not internally change ourselves, experiencing a cursory desire to strangle our own children, poison a spouse, or divorce because of a dispute about who would change a light bulb. A certain degree of self-control is necessary for the mental health of our species and the adequate existence of a normal society.


“We are a set of chaotic chemical reactions. And it’s good that we know that external circumstances often argue with our feelings. This is a sign that we are on the right track, ”sums up Alain de Botton.



*Alain de Botton - British writer, philosopher. The author of the bestsellers "Joys and sorrows of work", "Experiments of love", "Concern about the status" and others.

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