The I-want-to-know-myself tendency has two sides. The first one, when you investigate yourself, ask questions, overcome fears and past traumas, you start understanding your needs better. As a result, you make decisions that benefit your personality, not your mom's, dad's, ex's, best friend's expectations. It feels like freedom and independence.
The second one, self-investigation — is a process that runs throughout your lifetime. So it can be inconsistent, and, as humans don't live in a vacuum, events, other people, technology form us as well. And it feels like dependence and limitation of choices. One man said: "For these were the cards that you were given".
Sexuality is an undivided part of human life, and it succumbs to the same laws. The better you understand your sexuality, the more independent you become. And since sexuality accompanies you every day, different situations, partners, living conditions affect it. All these make your sexuality unique, and the same is for all other people on this planet. Therefore, to be sexually satisfied, think about sexual compatibility with partners. Your uniqueness and their uniqueness should click.
Definition of sex
It's the starting point. People have different definitions of sex. Some think about it as a source of individual pleasure, others – as a form of partnership. And for someone, it's something so divine and intimate that elevates the spirit. So to understand if you're sexually compatible with your partner/s, you should ask yourself how you define sex and then ask the same question to another person to whom you're attracted. If your values match, it's a good sign that you will satisfy each other.
Needs and desires
Here's a list of sexual compatibility parameters you should discuss with your partner. Choose a neutral place (not a bedroom) to bring this topic out.
- Environment. Whether you like having sex in the bedroom, lights should be on or off, what music is playing? What are the factors of sexual atmosphere that suit everyone?
- Specific sex acts. Do you enjoy the same moves and positions, or maybe someone should always compromise to bring pleasure?
- How long do you go for? 10-15 minutes, or should it be a 5-hour marathon?
- How often do you do it?
- Libido. It links to things like health, medications, pregnancy, kids, environmental changes, and they can cause mismatched libidos at some point.
These are just parameters that you can negotiate, and in this process, you can compromise and communicate with respect.
Small things you can look for
Sometimes it's easier to be attentive to another person's reactions and responses rather than have a long conversation about sexual compatibility. These things are not less important than shared values because small details can be left out of focus, but they are signals if you're right to each other.
- You're turned on be the same movie scenes/songs/podcasts;
- You're on the same page with public display of affection;
- You and your partner/s like or dislike sexting;
- Your partner/s positively respond when you ask for something in bed.
What if your sexual uniqueness doesn't click with your partner's?
Of course, there will be things where your needs and desires won't meet your partner's and vice versa. It's fine as long as you don't assault yourself trying to please your partner, keep your emotions behind the seven locks of a poker face or a smile that hides the pain.
According to most sexologists, the most important thing about sexual compatibility is honest dialogue. Therefore, your emotions and desires need to be embodied in words and sounds. And if your partner can't hear you, then leave with your head held high. Because you did everything in your power. You've grown up, you've learned something new about yourself, and after a while or so, you'll be ready to move on. Remember, not all relationships are meant to last forever.