Where lives “O” in your relationships?

Where lives “O” in your relationships?
People are granted an awareness of what they are doing, so they must be trained in the science of love. Love is a pleasant action for hearing, for sight and for sensation, taste and charm. Moved by the mind, a person gets the highest pleasure from love and strives for pleasure. A variety and many ways to multiply pleasure.
"Kama Sutra" by Vatsyayana Mallanaga

From the first experiences alone to mutual pleasure in a couple - our way to orgasm lies through the discovery of various aspects of sexuality.

There are three types of enjoyment: sexual (from bodily contact), erotic (caused by visual, tactile, gustatory sensations) and emotional (based on common values ​​and arising in strong trusting relationships). Of course, for sexuality, the sexual connection is of paramount importance, but two other sources of pleasure should not be neglected. They allow to comprehend the depth of pleasure.

We should stop constantly thinking about orgasm, but be more attentive to our body sensations at different moments of everyday life. It is worth developing our sensuality and our sexuality with the simplest things that we usually neglect: learn to deeply relax, breathe, take care of your body in order to get used to really live in it.

Open a new dimension of our nature, give our body to take control, do not be afraid of our instincts and fantasies: only by risking to learn something new about ourselves, we can reach the culmination of sexual pleasure.

In adolescence, we acquired certain sexual knowledge, experience, but in order for sex not to become a simple repetition, this experience must be expanded, all the more precisely defining our preferences. This work lasts a lifetime. Work that requires curiosity, inner freedom, and it can be done only together.


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Each of us is able to enrich our sexual experience, but in practice, many couples use the same scenarios for many years.

Repeating is convenient because an orgasm is almost guaranteed ... but over time it will bother you. It is difficult to vary the caresses, positions, rhythm and erotic fantasies. After falling into the trap of ease and simplicity, lovers begin to have sex automatically, and as a result receive less satisfaction from it. 

The reason is not only that in the routine of everyday life the desire is erased, it is fading away. There is also a hidden fear of surrendering to pleasure, losing oneself in the rolling wave of orgasm — it is not for nothing that in some languages ​​it is called the “little death”.

Getting to know yourself, to surprise yourself - this could be the motto for those who do not want to be content with standard enjoyment. How not to prohibit and do not impose anything on the partner. 

The game, improvisation helps to express their hidden desires and fantasies, focus on the sensations of the body. Playing means also accepting the fact that there are ups and downs in sexual relations. And it is necessary to accept and allow yourself to show in sex that part of your nature, which usually eludes us.

An example of a happy couple is not a passionately in love boy and girl, but spouses who have lived together for dozens of years and have preserved rich sexual relationships. 

This experience is available to any couple, if it does not look back at myths (for example, that sex is not needed in old age) or someone else’s opinion about the limits of the norm. The range of acceptability is different for everyone - from marriage without genital contact to the most courageous experiments. No one can judge how good and "correct" is the sex life of your couple - except for you.

But before you negotiate new rules in your relationship, you should understand exactly what happens to our body and thoughts during sex. Having understood the basic principles of sexual contact and having worked ourselves, it will be easier for us to negotiate with a partner and get mutual satisfaction.

The basic principles and milestones of the sexual cycle are well described in the book of the French Gestalt therapist Brigitte Martel “Sexuality. Love and Gestalt. ”

But the concept was developed back in 1983 by the French sexologist Charles Gelman and has since been actively used in psychology and sexology.

So, everything begins from our

  1. Sexual interest. It is the first stage of awakening the energy of sexuality towards other people and the world around us.

  1. Desire.  At this stage, one realizes one’s own wanting for a real or imaginary object. It combines attraction (the result of the action of hormones or external stimuli) and excitement from thoughts and fantasies. At this stage, the person decides whether to stay on this phase, slow it down or interrupt it. Or still move on.

  1. Excitement. At this point, physiological signs become noticeable, the main ones being vaginal moisturization and prediaculitis release, clitoris arousal and an erection. The body is preparing for more intimate contacts.

  1. A plateau. It is a period when arousal remains strong enough at the same level. Neuromuscular tension increased; the body is preparing for orgasm. If it does not happen, the reducing tension may last long enough.

  1. Orgasm. The experience includes the physical and mental component. Physically, it manifests itself in a powerful release of energy, which is experienced sometimes locally, sometimes in the whole body.

  1. Resolution. This is a stage of physiological change, during which the organs return to their former size. There is a feeling of well-being, as well as widespread muscle relaxation or fatigue, which usually follows an orgasm. However, resolution may occur slowly after sexual activity without orgasm amid intense arousal. Many women can respond to additional stimulation almost immediately after resolution.

  1. Refractory period. It occurs simultaneously with or after the resolution phase. At this time, another cycle cannot begin; stimulation can bring a negative response. Many women have a very short refractory period, and they can quickly begin a new cycle.

  1. Assimilation of experience or mental processing. During this rest stage a person evaluates what happened and makes decisions for the future.

So here. At each of these stages there may be a stop, a lock. And at each stage these stops come from different causes and flow differently. Although the result is always the same. We remain dissatisfied.

Excessive thoughts about the immediate onset of orgasm, the installation that sex is embarrassing and dirty, phrases from the past, causing guilt and rooted in our unconscious space, prevent us from going through all the stages of the sexual cycle and have fun.

Or it happens like this: there is a lot of excitement, the pleasure from the process is already there, a plateau stage has arrived, and we suddenly start thinking: “Well, it seems this time the orgasm is close. Now, now ... ” and at this moment it becomes clear that we have already frightened it with these thoughts. It would not be. This is called egotism. When, just before the peak, we are afraid of losing control, dissolving, “losing face”, and these thoughts stop the process.

Or another important option. Suppose sex itself went well, everything has already happened. And at the rest stage, we kind of sum up: well, nothing special. Today everything went ordinary. And immediately the sensations disappear, the mood deteriorates, there are thoughts about the case or about the fact that the partner is “not very special” or something else. 

This depreciation in the phase of mental processing. And if you notice it in time, you can immediately return to the sensations. And it turns out that in the body there is still a lot of pleasure, goosebumps and gratitude and tenderness to the partner. And you should not depreciate, but it is necessary to disassemble (possibly with a specialist) all the stages and all kinds of stops and do exercises to remove the lock.

Sex is a doubles game. And it often happens that one partner in a cycle runs it with his/her own characteristics. And the other partner with other features, and people just do not match. And this problem is not a global discrepancy, but simply to understand what you need and to go towards each other. 

That is, a good understanding of oneself and one's own characteristics during the cycle of sexual contact helps a lot to synchronize with a partner and speak in plain language. That it was not so embarrassing and scary to start a conversation. After all, everyone knows that talking about sex can really hurt a partner. And if we love him/her and don’t want to spoil what we have, we often prefer to keep quiet and pretend. Or, on the contrary, they no longer love us, because a lot of anger and resentment has accumulated and there is a feeling that it is useless to talk. And the fear that in such an intimate topic, he/she will also deride or blame.

But it is clear where silence and dissatisfaction lead.

This cycle of sexual contact is worth paying attention to those who want to figure out exactly where the breakdown of secular interaction takes place, how and how a person stops himself from moving further.

The described stages of sexual contact can be a great tool even for talking about joint sex. You can ask what stage partner is important how to pass. Where it is important not to rush, where to pay special attention, etc. And in general, this scheme is a unique tool for working with one's sexuality.

It is important to remember that the criterion of sexual health is not only the ability to go through the whole cycle from beginning to end, but also to interrupt or suspend it in the initial stages.

The moment of merging with others in sex is the best experience available to human. Intimacy with another allows us to forget, at least for a short time, that we are limited to the bodily shell. The feeling of unity with a partner gives us a fulness of pleasure, which is sometimes called “transcendental” in the original sense of the word.

At such moments, we begin to perceive reality differently. Our sensuality, erotic imagination and affects are combined, and experiences are close to insights. Pleasure is no longer reduced to a mechanical reflex, it becomes a unique experience that takes us beyond our limits. Enjoyment encompasses the whole being, and a wonderful feeling of self-identity arises.

Understanding each other's sexual values brings both together. To achieve harmonious sex understand, talk to each other, about what you like and dislike. And enjoy your sex.

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